So today was a win for the Veterans Affairs Department in my opinion. No one died, no one quit, and no one was arrested. Huzzah! Sophie came back today and was surrounded by a lot of love. She did remarkably well. And Michael entered a 30-day inpatient treatment program and I really hope it sticks. Both Sophie and Michael have a long road ahead of them.
I had a really restful day yesterday. Mike is in Florida on business so I was a total slug. The pups and I rolled out of bed late. I took a nice, long, hot shower with the bathroom window cracked so I could enjoy the cold, crisp air. It was dark and rainy and cold all day yesterday and that actually cheered and comforted me. I cleaned my wedding rings, gave myself a hot pink manicure, did a green tea and aloe facial mask, watched "Barney's Version" (slow movie but great performance from Paul Giamatti), drank some pinot and went to bed early to watch "Once Upon a Time". This morning I woke up feeling a bit under the weather. I had to take my car to the garage on base for an oil change and inspection. As my car's odometer is at over 100,000 I get very nervous about inspections. They called to say I needed repairs but I handled the call very well (thank you therapy and meds) and even better when I learned my additional cost would only be $100 and they would work with me on payment. So I got my car back and the main fix they did ended up correcting a problem I'd been having for some time. I pay the other $100 on Thursday when I get paid.
My grandfather Vernon Bryant (Dad's dad) is back in the hospital...again. Dad has made a few trips to Kansas City when Vernon has seemed to take a turn for the worse but he's a fighter. This time things aren't looking as hopeful. He's been mostly unconscious and is being relocated to a hospice home today to make him comfortable until he passes (he has a DNR). Frankly I would think he would be eager to go so he can finally escape my grandmother but he woke up briefly, according to Mom, and told everyone he wasn't going. He's an ornery old fart!
I've been examining my feelings about this. I'm sad to say that...I'm not sad. In all honesty I don't know the man. Of course I feel badly for my dad and my cousin Amanda. I don't wish him ill by any means. I know that must sound terrible but you have to know the history of our family. Mom and Dad had a big falling out with my grandparents when I was around 6. There was never any love lost between my mom and my grandmother and that's a whole other story but that's the short version. The final straw was a fight over the way they parented me when I was with them. They spoiled me but not in a good grandparent way. They gave me anything I wanted and let me win games and all kinds of stuff. So there was a big blow-up amongst them and from then on I saw my grandparents extremely rarely.
Being so young I couldn't understand, so for several years I was mad at my parents. I blamed them for me not seeing my grandparents. I would get cards from them for holidays and birthdays and even St. Patrick's Day for some unknown reason since we're not Irish. These cards always contained money. I came to just see my grandparents as the people who sent me cash. I felt like they owed me something and if they decided that was money then so be it. This really upset my mom but I think under the circumstances it made sense, especially when I was a teenager. My anger then turned to my grandparents as I grew older and realized that their fight wasn't with me and yet they made little to no effort to have contact with me aside from the damn cards. Now I felt worthless to them. What had I done to them? Why didn't they love me? And that bothers me to this day but it did especially as I became an adult and they could have reached out to me without having to go through Mom and Dad. That really hurt. Now, logically, I get it. If they don't talk to me then the whole issue can never come up and they can continue to live with it all swept under the rug and pretending like this is all normal. I get that. I don't agree with it, but I get it. And now I also finally get that it all has been a huge part of my need for attention and acceptance, and for some of my low self-esteem. I could not tell you why it took me, someone who believes she is pretty self-aware, so damn long to connect all the dots. So as Vernon ends his time on this planet, I too must corral my thoughts and find some closure. Mom and Dad did exactly as I would have done by standing up for the way their child is being treated. And I'm not angry at my grandparents any more. Now I'm just sad for the little girl that only had one set of grandparents and those grandparents are both gone. And I'm sad for my dad's parents who missed out on a pretty great granddaughter.
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